BREAKING NEWS

Simon Gregory has been disqualified from Team Star Inn after failing a drugs test. Officials claim that he tested negative for alcohol after going to bed early with a rusk and a cup of warm milk. "I think it's disgraceful," said team captain Matt Williams. It is precisely this sort of sobriety that can bring the sport into disrepute." Meanwhile, team doctors are investigating the cause of an outbreak of 'Gary's Guts' that has laid low other tram members.